Stumbling Toward Faith: A Dialog with Author Renee Altson

Today Paradoxology is honored to host Renee Altson, author of the just-released book, Stumbling Toward Faith: My Longing to Heal from the Evil that God Allowed (Zondervan/EmergentYS). If you haven’t read Renee’s book yet and would like a peek, you can download the opening segment here.

Stumbling Toward Faith is likely “unlike” any book you’ve read before. It is at the same time: story, tragedy, poetry, indictment, and confession – blended together into the nearly seamless expression of a human soul. That human soul – Renee Altson – is a remarkable person.

Many of us have encountered “hellish” experiences in our lives, but relatively few have had to endure the relentless abuse (sexual, emotional, spiritual) and pain that has characterized Renee’s journey. On a few occasions, I’ve referred to my own “year from hell.” It was the experience that opened my eyes in a new way to the theological problem of suffering (i.e. theodicy) – something, it seems, we’re constantly confronted with in today’s world.

While reading Renee’s book, I found myself needing to stop from time to time. The story of her suffering was often so tragic, so deeply unfair, that I personally found myself needing time to process, mourn, reflect, and pray… before continuing. After finishing Stumbling Toward Faith, I could not help but think of the words of poet John Keats (c.1819) who in describing the "why" behind the painful realities of life, wrote:

“Call the world if you Please ‘The vale of Soul-making.’”

Well without a doubt, Renee Altson understands what such soul-making is all about.

And on that note, let’s move on and ask Renee a few questions, as she stops here today on her virtual book tour.

Chris --
Have your experiences helped you get any sort of handle on why God allows suffering, especially when it seems senseless or without purpose? And if so, what have you discovered?

Renee --
i wish i could say that i have been given some glimpse into purposeless or senseless suffering, but i haven’t. i have a litany of answers that i’ve collected over the years--they are sort of like little scraps of paper in a hat. when i’m feeling completely overwhelmed i sometimes like to pull them out and pretend they work, but they take a lot of effort to hold onto, and they don’t last. so mostly i am left without answers.

i think the one thing i know, at least the one thing that’s as close to “knowing” as i come, is that i don’t have to understand things in order to be loved. a lot of my struggle with god was an initial inability to trust god, an inability to let god into any part of my life. i couldn’t reconcile what happened with me with the trust i wanted to have. but i’ve learned (and am still learning) that god can still love me, even when i struggle with trust or with disbelief, and that this love isn’t dependent on how faithful i am.

i think my god is bigger than [he] used to be. this bigness makes it not so necessary for me to understand it all anymore. of course i want to, and it drives me crazy that i don’t have any instant answers, but it’s easier to simply let it be, and still have some bit of faith in the end, and to rest knowing that i am loved in spite of my lack of understanding.

Chris --
Many “Christians" seem to hide from the harsh, painful realities of life. They convince themselves (or have been convinced) that both the “Christian life” as well as our “church experiences” should only be positive and uplifting. There’s little or no room for sharing our emotional weaknesses our exploring our faith-related struggles. Your own journey has certainly opened your eyes to the pain this can cause. But how can we move past this? How should churches and people “change” in this regard?

Renee --
i think that this kind of change comes only with an acknowledgement and acceptance of our own pain and sadness. we have built a church culture based on the successful Christian. i think that we shy away from others pain and grief because we are desperately afraid of our own. it’s also much more comfortable to be around a small god. we define him by the smiles on our faces and the positive things he’s doing in our lives, and we are happy because god is manageable and we don’t have to really ever feel.

the tragic thing is that i know that most of us have wounds and pains that haunt us. i don’t think any of us are as put-together as we appear on sunday mornings. and if ever, truly if ever, there was a place for us to be real with our pain, with our longings, it would be in church. aren’t we all lepers seeking for a touch from the one who is willing to touch us and not shy away?

i really think that a “movement,” or some forced change in this regard isn’t the answer. it has to come from within, from connection, from community, from a willingness to be vulnerable. i don’t know how to create that, or offer that, really. but i do think that being aware of it is a huge first step. my hope is that somehow my book can help illuminate the awareness of what we can be, of what we can give each other, how we can truly be the body of Christ to each other, in all of our broken, halting selves.

Chris --
Readers will quickly realize that “Stumbling Toward Faith” is simply not another “testimony book.” How would you describe it, and do you believe we will see more of its kind in the coming years?

Renee --
i think of stumbling toward faith as a memoir, a journal, a book of musings. it is an unfinished, unanswered glimpse into a life. it is an accounting of a person’s story.

i hope that we see a lot more like it. i think it’s imperative to listen to other people’s stories, to honour their experiences. the best thing about this book for me is that it has honoured me and my story. i am so grateful for the ability to write it, and even more, for the risk that it has been for zondervan and emergentYS to publish it.

Wow. Now, here's how it works -- please feel free to post questions to Renee about her book or comment on what you've read here. I believe she'll be happy to answer as she can. As always, feel free to respond to each other's posts as well. Oh, and by the way, the beautiful images we've included with today's interview were shot by Renee herself -- obviously, her talents reach beyond her pen! (Thank you, Renee, for letting me share these today)

Don't forget, Renee's virtual tour continues tomorrow at living on both ends. Thanks for dropping in.

Comments

[renee]

beautiful, chris. thank you. i love the pictures you chose and how you put them into our interview text.

i'm home from work sick today so i don't know how much i'll be at the computer, but i'll definitely try to stop by again throughout the day.

thanks again.

[anj]

The photography is a new facet of you, renee, that I did not know. thanks Chris, for putting that together. Chris, you put words to an incomplete sense of mien - this is not a 'testimony' book. renee, i see you called it a memior, a journal, a book of musings. what would you call the juxtaposition of darkness and light in the book?

[renee]

hey anj, you can see some more of my photos here:

http://www.ianua.org/prayers/retreat/

user name: family
password: miracle

it's really interesting about the light and darkness thing, too, because the original title i had for the book, and what is actually on my contract as the 'working title' is musings in light and darkness. heh.

as for what i would call that juxtaposition -- i don't really know. i do know that my book feels really honest.

ok, i'm really going to bed now!

[Keith Seckel]

I haven't read your book Renee, but I would like to. Thanks for sharing your story with everyone.

I appreciate your thoughts on the life within being the changing force -- not a "movement" per se.

I'm wondering how you see that being brought about. I see it in individual lives here and there, but have yet to see it in a larger sense -- a community of people sharing that vulnerability.

Especially in leadership. It seems (sadly) so difficult for those "up front" to let down their guard. There's so much involved in that. How do we move beyond the masks and just "be" the church together?

[Bill]

Thank you for that conversation. This is such important stuff. I wonder...maybe that kind of vulnerable community could become a movement, but it's nothing anyone's going to plan or give a brand name or something. I think the only way it's going to happen is if brave people like Renee just start doing it--leading the way. We're not talking about purpose-driven-vulnerability! We're talking about real Christians who will decide to get real with their brothers and sisters.

[anj]

maybe honesty is it. hope you rest well.

[Chris]

"purpose-driven-vulnerability"

Bill, that's hilarious! (and a good warning, too)

And I think Keith is dead-on about those "up-front" letting down their guard.

Anj -- including some of Renee's photos was always something I wanted to do -- she has a unique sense of "vision." Glad you (and others) enjoyed it.

[renee]

when i think of those "up-front" letting down their guard, i almost wonder if many of them have created the inability to do that. i think we have to be the example, somehow.... the change that comes from inside.

[Chris (DesertPastor)]

Renee -- when it comes to those "up-front" letting down their guard, it may well be they created this reality for themselves, or... -they accepted what was being imposed upon them. Either way, I think you're dead-on about the change coming "from inside." This reminds me of how important I think it is for us to pray "from the inside, out" -- focusing on the condition of our own souls rather than practicing a type of prayer that is preoccupied with giving God a "To-Do List."

So many people are afraid of what's "inside" -- but that's where I think books like Stumbling Toward Faith can really help.

[Keith Seckel]

A paraphrased John Maxwell quote: the 5 Leadership Perspectives.

(1) I have nothing to hide.
(2) I have nothing to prove.
(3) I have nothing to lose (i.e. it was not 'mine' to begin with).
(4) I don't have to survive (i.e. if I go away the church will continue -- I am not inexpendable)
(5) I don't care who gets the credit.

The first time I heard these was was from a nearby pastor, speaking to our small group leaders. He said it seemed to him, sometimes, that he did more confessing from the pulpit than he did preaching -- and yet the people always seemed so drawn to him and would encourage him with how much they loved and honored and supported him as a leader.

Keeping these 5 perspectives in mind (along with the memory of him as he said them!) has helped me as I lead.

Jacob -- leading with a limp, and all that.

But sometimes I've been given grief over it -- that I'm "too vulnerable".

[Chris (DesertPastor)]

i want a multilayered god.
i want a god of art, of music,
of old icons, of ancient prayers.

i want a god who is able to be
bigger than i can imagine,
a god beyond my comprehensions
and limited definitions.

i want a home.
a place to feel at home,
a safe place,
a refuge
to work out my salvation
with fear and trembling.

a safe place
to be able to risk everything
to surrender everything,
to find that i'm not alone
when those i let go of
crumble in pieces
around me.

(from "stumbling toward faith," p. 166)

[renee]

i totally believe that you're given grief over being too vulnerable. that is so wrong and so sad. pat answers and jesus hits don't just come from pulpits. they come from pretty much anybody who doesn't want to face their pain... and i think we do impose that "more than human" stuff on our leaders, out of our fear that we see their feet of clay.

i love the image of jacob with a limp. wow. that is cool.

i wonder if it comes down to the fact that so many of us are just so scared. and we cover it up with big words and ways of pretending and we are afraid to let anybody see behind our masks, and we perpetuate it, in our leadership, with each other, we have to protect the illusion that we are in control.

[Judy]

Renee, Your book sounds so interesting and real. Life is full of questions we can't seem to answer, but I find as I concentrate on who God is it doesn't matter anymore. The longer I live, the more I'm aware of how much I have to learn. I just continue to take myself to Jesus and ask Him to teach me. Sounds like to me you've learned so much from the things you've suffered that you're way ahead of most of us.

[bobbie]

what a beautiful blend of image and verse. thank you both chris and renee.

[Shawny Diane]

I like your site. And I wish you luck, success and a lot of visitors here. Have a nice day.